The Good Author's Guide To Bad Reviews

There's been a lot of hoopla on the internets lately about writers versus bloggers, good reviews versus bad reviews, authors versus bloggers.

And people, the insanity must stop!

The real problem here is not that authors and bloggers aren't seeing eye to eye, it's that most authors don't understand proper Bad Review Etiquette.

And because I'm such an expert in so many things (see my expertise in vlogging, convincing Marshall's you are NOT a shoplifter, and NOT getting holes in your tires) I'm going to explain and hopefully clear up some confusion.

I present to you:

Frankie's Definitive Guide For Authors Dealing with Bad Reviews
Or...The Good Author's Guide to Bad Reviews

Follow these simple rules and you are guaranteed to have perfect Bad Review Etiquette everytime!

1. If a reviewer doesn't like your book it's totally acceptable to respond to their review. In fact, I encourage it.

Many authors seem to frown on this practice, but what they're forgetting is the written word's power of persuasion. I mean, how else can you convince a reviewer they were supposed to like your book unless you persuade them in their comments section? Honestly, you can't rely on your book alone--these things don't speak for themselves! Especially not since the invention of e-books! You must tell tell the bloggers what to like. Because if you don't, who will?

2. If a reviewer doesn't understand your book, it is your responsibility to set them straight.


Gone are the days when a reader could be expected to see what they wanted in your book, interpret your themes, symbols, messages and find their own meaning. Let's get right past this notion, shall we? Sheesh, I mean isn't reading your 400,000 page book enough? That's a lot of work and now they are supposed to UNDERSTAND it too? Puh-lease! So if you see a blogger with the wrong idea, then by all means, go and correct them. Trust me, they'll thank you for it! With cookies.

3. If a reviewer writes a bad review of your book then you must explain to them why they were wrong to do so.

There is absolutely no reason in the world for a reviewer to not like your book (your book is your baby--everyone likes babies). Not liking a book is SO not cool. So if you happen across a blogger being uncool in your google alerts, then make sure you let them know how wrong they are. Again, bloggers are busy people with busy lives and other concerns besides books and whether or not they actually like them. They often need to be told if they are right or wrong. And if they are wrong and you correct them....they'll thank you! With an amazon review!

4. If a reviewer still maintains that they did not like your book even AFTER you told them that they are SUPPOSED to like your book, then you must spam their comments section until they relent.

This one is pretty self explanatory. You know what they say. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!

5. If you have spammed their comments section, and they STILL maintain their dislike of your book and have dared tried to argue with you, then its clear there is only one explanation for their behvaior. They are batsh*t insane.

When this situation occurs, there is only one solution. You must call upon 10 of your best writer friends to come and spam the blogger with you. It's tough love baby, but sometimes its the only way to get a reviewer to see the light of day, the error of their ways (and also all those reruns of Vampire Diaries). Also, spamming them with 10 of your friends will help clear their crazy little head. Don't worry about coming across as intimidating or like you're part of some kind of mob or mafia, or author gang. Because again, they will thank you! With their first born child.

So there you have it. Authors please stop not responding to negative reviews. It doesn't help anyone! And bloggers want help! Follow these simple rules and you'll be #WINNING #DUH in no time at all!


And don't forget...for those bloggers who write good reviews of your book--make sure their $100 amazon gift cards are mailed out on time ;)

Now you know the rules. Go out there authors and let everyone know how awesome you are. Bonus points if you tweet about your awesomeness every 2 minutes! Super bonus points if you promote your book every 3.

Most importantly, don't forget--rules were meant to be broken. So be a rebel. And if you ever followed a rule and regretted it....I hope you can laugh about it now.
;)

Three Things on a Thursday

1. I'm teaching Argument in my English class and I wanted my students to self-debate an issue. First by arguing for one side, and then completely arguing for the other. The idea was to learn how to anticipate what your opponent might say in advance so they could refute the argument before it came.

Well, the topic offered to discuss by one of the students was violence on tv.

And immediately my mind goes to this:


And the whole time we're discussing violence on tv, I have Cher's speech in my head and I'm laughing to myself.

And then I discover THIS!

That not only does my class have NO idea what Cher's Violence in the Media Speech is (Nor do they have it MEMORIZED) but they haven't even SEEN Clueless!

WHAT!!!????!!!!?????!!!??????!!!?????

How!?!?!?!? How!?!?!?!?! How?!?!?!!?

Why!?!?!?!?!?! Why?!?!?!?!?!? Why?!?!!!!!??

I mean, this is coming from the girl who put this on the internet last year:



Am so horrified by this, and possibility I am getting old and out of touch, I can only see one solution.


I must fail them all.


2. The time has come again for me to do something I REALLY REALLY hate.


Laundry!

Multiply this by 100 and you'll have an idea of my situation!

But this evil is absolutely necessary because I must have cleanliness and I must have order (but not as much order as Delores Umbridge because that kind of order is just too much). Also, I must have clothes I can wear. And pack.... Because...

3. At the most Ungodly hour imaginable, I am leaving Friday morning to fly here!

SAN FRANCISCO!

Yay!!!

So there you have it--my Thursday Three!

Also, please please please tell me you guys have Clueless memorized! 

Pull Over!

So at Philly Lit Night this weekend (which was EPIC and awesome and fun and you should all come next time in May) we learned that Simon C. Larter writes when he's driving.

Stay off the road! Simon just had an epiphany!

He even pulled out proof and apparently his writing was semi-readable.

The car is one of my favorite places to get inspiration--usually when I'm driving I don't get ideas--I hear dialogue. Entire conversations will just play out in my head (and they always seem to be crucial turning point convos) as I drive.

I may commit a lot of on the road felonies (cough knee-driving-cough) but I can't write and drive. So when I'm in a place where I'm drafting a new story, I'm prone to suddenly pulling over to the side of the road and frantically grabbing at my notebook.

GUYS! Frankie parked her car again. I think she's having an idea...

So what about you guys? 

Who writes and drives? Who gets ideas when they drive? And who is a freak like me and hears voices when they're on the road?

A History of Syke. SYKE! No Really.

So after my Friday Five post where I decided to use the oh-so-cool and oh-so-outdated term Syke, there was a lot of discussion about its spelling and usage, etc.

So I took it upon myself to investigate the origins and proper spellings of this word that as much as I throw it randomly into my blog is not going to happen.

Stop trying to make Syke happen, Frankie. It's NOT going to happen!

Here is everything you ever and never wanted to know about SYKE!

You're welcome!

1. It is slang
2. It is negating. Thrown at the end of a phrase it means--Not! Kidding! Yeah Right! Joking!
3. There are two possible spellings of the word: Sike and Syke
4. According to Urban Dictionary, both are common misspellings of the word Psych. But used the same way.
5. Sike spelled with an I first appeared in the 70's (so spell it w/ a Y or you'll date yourself... even more)
6. Syke was more commonly used and spelled in the 80's
7. Syke,with a y was at the height of its popularity in the 90's
8. Syke was also the name of this dude who was friends with Tupac Shakur!
9. Syke is currently making a comeback after being used in the popular writers blog Frankie Writes
10. SYKE  Urban Dictionary didn't say #9, but it SHOULD!

So there you have it! Your urban education for the day is done!

Friday Five (or more)

1. Wheeeeeeee birds are chirping outside my window. I am in heaven. I love birds. Birds mean spring. Spring means warm. Warm means flip flops. Flip flops=Happy Happy Frankie

2. I think I said too many things in number 1...

3. Moving on. Sunday is Philly Lit Night with one Simon C. Larter (and me!). Check out Simon's post with all the deets HERE! If you are in the area or near the area or feeling in the mood to come to the area...obviously you should come. Because we like you. And we give hugs. Ok, I give hugs. Simon does this awkward back pat.

4. I am very excited because next weekend I'll be in San Francisco! :-) YAY! Of course this means I have to fly....but I'll be with my sister so I expect it won't be so bad.

5. You will never ever, ever believe this. But I am only listing 5 things today like a totally normal person writing her friday five.

6. SYKE!

7. Ok, ok, kidding. No one says syke anymore...

8. Ummm

9. Have a great weekend.

10. 10 is 5 xs 2  

;)

What Would YOU Bury?

Get ready for another one of my crazy dreams! Last night, my sleepy self landed right in the middle of a Dystopian and if I ever feel the need to write a dystopian novel, it might be semi-related to this.

So...things were normal until I realized I was in a dystopian novel come to life and the government had decided to make everyone completely alike. That meant taking away our individual identities and our stuff. They were slowly erasing everyone's pictures on facebook--we could keep our profiles, but not anything that made us distinct (because this makes sense). They were also taking away all of our things.

I was not happy about this and being kind of a pain to the local government aid who came to assist me in erasing my facebook pics. Having pissed him off, he took me to a dining hall where I was not allowed to sit with my family but another family I didn't know--possiby so I couldn't plan a rebellion? Anyway, I noticed that they'd also started dying people's hair so we all had the same color.

Also in my dystopian novel dream, there was no veganism. So my government aid upon hearing I was hungry offered me doritos which I would NOT eat and he would not bring me plain potato chips without cheese.

I lost my clothes--my original clothes that is.

And so after a very disheartening dinner with no plain chips and not my clothes and no more facebook, I drove home. I knew other government aids were making the rounds to people's homes to remove all of their personal items, but I didn't think they'd gone to my street yet.

Well, as I was driving down the block before mine, I suddenly had an impossible time behind the wheel because there were boxes and bags FILLING the road. I quickly realized that these were people's personal items that the government discarded. I started driving faster but then stopped as I drove over a box that held my old prom dresses.

They'd gotten to my house.

I located my high school diploma, negatives of my baby pictures and one other item that's escaping my memory now. I knew the only way to hold onto these things--proof I existed I suppose and was my own person--was to bury them somewhere the government aids would not find. So with my few items in hand I drove home cursing at another aid walking down the street and plotting where I would bury my personal items to keep them safe until the dystopianness of my world was done.

As soon as I woke up, all I could think about was which items would I try to save and bury?

So tell me, if you could only hold onto a few key pieces of yourself and bury them in a small box, what would you pick? What would you bury?

Philly Lit Night Sunday!

Smell that excitement in the air?

No, not that....that's my residual resentment over losing an hour to Daylight Savings...

But THAT...yes that--the one that smells like cookies*...that is the excitement one smells when they know a Philly Lit Night is coming.

What? Smelling an event isn't creepy at all.

Anyway, Simon C. Larter and I have been compiling lists and emailing and just in case you didn't get an email or you're from out of town and the excitement smell has wafted your way and you want to roadtrip... Here are the details for you.

Philly Lit Night Part Trois

Who: ALL are welcome! Even the peeps in Delaware!

When: Sunday, March 20th

Why: Because we're writers and we like other writers and writers hanging out with writers is just the sort of thing we really like :-)

Where: Barnes & Noble on Rittenhouse Square, 18th & Walnut, at 4 pm. We've got the upstairs meeting space reserved and everything. (We promise we won't get kicked out of anywhere this time)

Where 2: The Irish Pub (20th & Walnut) at about 6:15 pm


Come down for both events or one, or the other...or BOTH! Because its fun. And WRITERS!

Hope to see you there

*To Simon it doesn't smell like cookies. Unless they're laced with vodka**
**ZOMG I think this is the first mention ever of alcohol on my blog***
***Proof that Simon is SUCH a bad influence on me

Questions Answered!

So despite the fact that my laptop is in SERIOUS trouble with me since it caught a virus the week after I did...I'm finally here to answer the questions you guys asked me last week to help me put together my FAQs page!

There were some really great ones that were so fun to answer! So thank you. And here you go!

Magan asked a few questions:

What inspires your writing?

Can I say everything? I get ideas and inspiration from everything around me and everything I do--I have ideas in the shower, the car, walking around the block, watching a movie. But if I had to pull on my two biggest inspirations, I'd say Dreams and Music are at the top. My current novel was inspired by a dream I had, and I get a lot of ideas for plotting and scenes--or at least the tone and emotion of a scene from music.

When will we know about a book release?

Oh man, I WISH I could answer this question. All I can say is stay tuned.

Where did you stay in Branson?
You know, I have no idea! I think its called The Moose Lodge. All I know is Maggie found the place with her awesome google skills, and when we shuttled a bus from the airport to the lodge, they had NO idea where to go--like Saundra Mitchell was there googling maps for the driver and he was still confused--not to mention he got stuck dropping us there and then refused to take us back to the airport--but that's another story. So apparently The Moose Lodge is one of Branson's best kept secrets, because even they don't know it's there.

Amber d* asked about the one genre I wouldn’t write in:

Ooooh! I used to think I'd only ever write fantasy, but a lot of my upcoming projects are actually spread pretty wide across genres. So its hard to say what I won't do because I get unexpectedly cool and exciting ideas in a lot of different genres. But...if I had to guess...I'd say you'll probably never find me writing a horror novel--I scare very easily and I do NOT need to scare myself even further writing an entire book of scary things. Everything else though is fair game.

Karen Akins asked how did you snag your awesome agent?

I have a much longer answer about the approach I took to querying and choosing an agent if you look on my writing page. But the short and honest answer: Slush pile. Which is why I always say, your writing always has to be your strongest selling point--I also worked like a crazy person on my query letter. But it was SO worth it when Agent Laura made the call.

Christine Danek asked two questions:

What is your background?

I have a BA in religious studies from Cornell. I started as a Classics major studying Latin, Greek and classical civilization and mythology (true story--I applied to Cornell because they offered Sanskrit). But after an incredibly brutal semester that involved me nearly dying in Ancient Greek, I left for the religious studies department--where I continued studying classical civilization and mythology and also religious myths and origins. I then spent a semester as a psychology major because I LOVE psychology and also many psychologists like Jung allowed me to study mythology. See a pattern? In the end I returned to the religious studies department with a minor in psych.

I also had a minor senior year crisis when figuring out grad school and my life. I wanted to be a writer but couldn't admit it because I was afraid, and so I spent a ridiculous amount of time filling out applications for MFA programs in writing and NOT applying. Instead, I decided to become a rabbi. No really. So I enrolled in Hebrew and got into a masters program at Columbia for Jewish Studies.

I didn't go.

I spent two years at a nine to five as a social worker, writing and belly dancing at night. Then I returned to school at Arcadia University for an MA in English though I treated it more like an MFA in writing. I met my critique group there The First Novels Club in a Writing for Children Class. Then after graduation I started teaching English, Writing, Psychology and Nutrition at the college level. I also worked as a professional belly dancer, pre-school teacher, and children's librarian for a synagogue (sometimes all at once) in my pursuit to become a writer.

Somehow I think that all makes sense--except the part where I teach nutrition--though I know a lot about veganism.

Does that answer the question?

And what sparked your love of writing?

Hmmmm, I don't know. I just know it was something I ALWAYS wanted to do from day one. I spent a lot of time creating elaborate storylines and soap operas for my barbies to play out before I could write and then I spent a lot of time writing stories down and priding myself on finishing my writing notebooks faster and more often than anyone else in my first grade class! I think the love here was innate. And maybe partially a legacy.

I was named after my maternal grandfather Frank David Millman--also a writer. He wrote mystery and detective short stories and had them published in magazines. So I like to think he passed down more than just his name:-)

Kelly Lyman asked:

Will any of your mcs be into belly dancing?

Haha! I DO have one belly dancer sitting on the shelf hoping I'll write her story. But in the mean time, you'll find that I like to include a lot of dance scenes...

Do you ever get discouraged when you are writing/revising? And if/when that happens, how do you get motivated again?

Yes! All the time! When I'm revising, I'm like a crazy person, totally happy one minute and crying my eyes out the next. The First Novels Club and my friends are all a huge part of helping me stay motivated, or at least lending an ear so I can rant and rave until its out of my system and I can move on. Beyond having a lot of support, the main thing I remember to stay motivated is that I do love what I'm doing. I love writing, I love my story, I love my characters, and so if I need to, I'll take a short break and then think about why I'm excited to be doing this in the first place, even when its hard and I'm discouraged and freaking out.

Joanne Fritz asked where do you get the energy to do all you do?

I think you overestimate how much energy I have. Let's just say that I am on a first name basis with almost every barrista within a 20 mile radius of my house. They all know me, my order and everything happening with my book.


And last, but certainly not least Heather Zundel asked:

What is the most important thing a writer must have/know?

Wow! This is an important question! And tough to answer. My instinct is to say faith--faith in your writing, in your story, your characters, yourself, faith in the industry and in your readers. But then I want to say passion--to feel passion for what you're doing, for your story, for braving the industry. And then in moments when you're discouraged--a great support group--although they are also important for when you have moments to celebrate and when you need to bounce ideas around. So can I answer with three items? Faith, passion and support?

What are you never asked about but dying to answer?

Seriously, NO ONE ever asks me about the fact that I can pick up things with my toes. I don't understand why...


Thanks for the fabulous questions you guys! FAQs pages will be ready soon:-) You all rock!

Dear Laptop...

Dear Laptop,

Look, I know you think I'm the coolest person you ever met and you totally worship my fingers that type on you. But having to copy EVERY. SINGLE. THING. I do? NOT COOL!

Not at all!

Like for instance, last week I had a virus. A MAJOR VIRUS. Like a lying on my bed and unable to move on my BIRTHDAY virus. And then this week...you have a virus??????????????????

I do not think so!

Don't tell me that it was time. I know you're almost 4 years old, but still you never got a virus before and I just don't see the point in getting one now!

No, it's not my fault for going to Best Buy without you. I was just browsing. BROWSING. So stop acting all jealous. I mean, you KNEW I'd buy a new laptop one day, like you said, you're almost 4!

No. That is not young. That's like 100.

In dog years.

Yes, I know you're not a dog. Not the point!

Anyway, this is the thing, getting a virus was totally irresponsible of you and totally your fault.

Yes! Your fault.

Excuse me. But who pays all of your anti-virus insurance bills? Um, me. So, don't even think of passing the blame to...

Seriously, laptop I thought you were smart. Human viruses are not the same as computer viruses. I did not get you sick.

Ok that's it! If you want to ignore all the anti-virus medicine I bought you, AND keep me from getting on the internet so that I am FORCED to be a hermit, we are SO breaking up! I will so go back to Best Buy and this time, I WILL BUY!

All I'm saying is there are more of you where you came from. And if you can no longer satisfy my needs...

It's. Over.

Happy Release Day The Liar Society

Happy Happy Release Day to you, Lisa and Laura Roecker!
Happy Happy Release Day to you, Lisa and Laura Roecker!
Happy Happy Release Day...THE LIAR SOCIETY...
Happy Happy Release Day to ALL of you!!

Happy release day, Ladies! So exciting to have seen you through to such a momentous day in your journey!