So Uncool, Jessica Simpson!

Dear Jessica Simpson,

Yes, you in the mummy costume. I have some beef with you. And because I'm a vegan, it's the fake kind. But beef nonetheless. I know now that you've wanted to be my friend for a few years. Don't deny it! You know it's true. And because I've rejected your phone calls and poorly spelled text messages, you've just decided to one up me instead.

First of all, you're marrying a vegan. And we ALL know that I want to marry a vegan.

Second, you convinced him to give you a ruby engagement ring. A RUBY engagement ring? I want a ruby engagement ring.

Third, you once married Nick Lackey. I once wanted to marry Nick Lachey, but got over THAT idea in a hot minute. Almost as fast as Kim K got divorced. But irregardless--you STILL married him! Just like I wanted to.

Um wait....when you look like this, I think I've changed my mind...

Jessica, you are basically stealing my LIFE! My fake life... If I was blonde and a singer and country and worth a few million and didn't know the difference between chicken and fish...which, because I'm vegan, sometimes I don't...

But yesterday, you pulled the least coolest stunt of all time to get my attention.

Announcing your pregnancy the same day my friend Kelly Lyman announced hers!

I cannot believe you did that! And for the record, we can all check times now on blog postings and twitter and I have proof that Kelly announced her pregnancy HOURS before you did Jessica. HOURS! You hear me? How many hours you say? I don't know. That would require me clicking on too many internet links at the moment and I'm too lazy angry for that.

Just know it was before you tweeted and EVERYONE knows and everyone knows that YOU, Jessica Simpson clearly read my friend Kelly's post and then decided to announce you were preggers too. Because seriously, Jessica, this was NO surprise!

Way to be subtle...

Why of ALL days would you pick today when the whole world knew for months? Because of Kelly!

I rest my case!

Also... My wedding invitation is STILL lost in the mail! And I AM having the vegan platter, kthnx!

Sincerely,

Your Not-Friend

P.S. I bought a pair of your shoes at DSW and quite enjoy them.

P.P.S. Congrats to everyone with baby news;)