The Good Author's Guide To Bad Reviews

There's been a lot of hoopla on the internets lately about writers versus bloggers, good reviews versus bad reviews, authors versus bloggers.

And people, the insanity must stop!

The real problem here is not that authors and bloggers aren't seeing eye to eye, it's that most authors don't understand proper Bad Review Etiquette.

And because I'm such an expert in so many things (see my expertise in vlogging, convincing Marshall's you are NOT a shoplifter, and NOT getting holes in your tires) I'm going to explain and hopefully clear up some confusion.

I present to you:

Frankie's Definitive Guide For Authors Dealing with Bad Reviews
Or...The Good Author's Guide to Bad Reviews

Follow these simple rules and you are guaranteed to have perfect Bad Review Etiquette everytime!

1. If a reviewer doesn't like your book it's totally acceptable to respond to their review. In fact, I encourage it.

Many authors seem to frown on this practice, but what they're forgetting is the written word's power of persuasion. I mean, how else can you convince a reviewer they were supposed to like your book unless you persuade them in their comments section? Honestly, you can't rely on your book alone--these things don't speak for themselves! Especially not since the invention of e-books! You must tell tell the bloggers what to like. Because if you don't, who will?

2. If a reviewer doesn't understand your book, it is your responsibility to set them straight.


Gone are the days when a reader could be expected to see what they wanted in your book, interpret your themes, symbols, messages and find their own meaning. Let's get right past this notion, shall we? Sheesh, I mean isn't reading your 400,000 page book enough? That's a lot of work and now they are supposed to UNDERSTAND it too? Puh-lease! So if you see a blogger with the wrong idea, then by all means, go and correct them. Trust me, they'll thank you for it! With cookies.

3. If a reviewer writes a bad review of your book then you must explain to them why they were wrong to do so.

There is absolutely no reason in the world for a reviewer to not like your book (your book is your baby--everyone likes babies). Not liking a book is SO not cool. So if you happen across a blogger being uncool in your google alerts, then make sure you let them know how wrong they are. Again, bloggers are busy people with busy lives and other concerns besides books and whether or not they actually like them. They often need to be told if they are right or wrong. And if they are wrong and you correct them....they'll thank you! With an amazon review!

4. If a reviewer still maintains that they did not like your book even AFTER you told them that they are SUPPOSED to like your book, then you must spam their comments section until they relent.

This one is pretty self explanatory. You know what they say. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!

5. If you have spammed their comments section, and they STILL maintain their dislike of your book and have dared tried to argue with you, then its clear there is only one explanation for their behvaior. They are batsh*t insane.

When this situation occurs, there is only one solution. You must call upon 10 of your best writer friends to come and spam the blogger with you. It's tough love baby, but sometimes its the only way to get a reviewer to see the light of day, the error of their ways (and also all those reruns of Vampire Diaries). Also, spamming them with 10 of your friends will help clear their crazy little head. Don't worry about coming across as intimidating or like you're part of some kind of mob or mafia, or author gang. Because again, they will thank you! With their first born child.

So there you have it. Authors please stop not responding to negative reviews. It doesn't help anyone! And bloggers want help! Follow these simple rules and you'll be #WINNING #DUH in no time at all!


And don't forget...for those bloggers who write good reviews of your book--make sure their $100 amazon gift cards are mailed out on time ;)

Now you know the rules. Go out there authors and let everyone know how awesome you are. Bonus points if you tweet about your awesomeness every 2 minutes! Super bonus points if you promote your book every 3.

Most importantly, don't forget--rules were meant to be broken. So be a rebel. And if you ever followed a rule and regretted it....I hope you can laugh about it now.
;)