Taking A Step Back

Last night I read in one sitting Gayle Forman's absolutely beautiful sequel to If I Stay---Where She Went--taking place 3 years after Mia's accident and told from Adam's point of view. Getting to be inside Adam's head was everything I dreamed of and more (you know, in a writing/reading way....not a creepy way). But basically the writing was amazing.

But beyond finishin the book with a sense of aaaaaaaaah, I just finished an amazing book, and also OMG how does Gayle manage to write such beautiful and striking characterizations, I felt slightly changed by it.

Adam (hopefully this isn't too spoilery) has made it in this book--he's a full out rock star, his band is famous, he has a celebrity girlfriend, he's won awards, has obsessive fans, he's rich. And he is miserable. Beyond miserable--and yes there are Mia reasons involved....but it's because his love of his craft got bigger than him, and he's no longer feeling in love with music--he is forced to worry about all that other stuff that go with being a star.

And as I was reading, I realized I was relating to Adam on a much deeper level than I normally would, because I've been feeling the same way for awhile--but about writing--I can't make music.

It's funny because a lot of really great things are happening--I'm getting to speak to people about writing, I'm getting the opportunity to teach creative writing at a great university, I have the best critique group, have made amazing friends in the industry, I have a wonderful agent, and the best book I've ever had. But even so, even having all I do, and all of my experiences and all of my years writing, blogging, studying craft....I can still be completely thrown by my own work, I can still feel like I have absolutely NO idea at all what I'm doing, like I know nothing and I never will. And the farther I get into this process, the bigger all of these things feel, and what was previously a mole hill feels like an angry monstrous mountain.

Revising your first draft is not at all the same as going through a second revision with your agent, or with an editor. And I realized, I was letting a lot of these big industry things--who is doing what, what is expected of you, and how much pressure should I put on myself, and why didn't I see this issue in my WIP!?!, kind of get in the way of my feeling happy and excited to just be writing and excited about how far I've come.

I have talked before on this blog about not always being the most balanced person when it comes to writing. It's easy--especially when you're an obsessive perfectionist with a lot of ambition to spend every living breath you have on your craft and your work. And sometimes, this is necessary--when you have a new idea that you've fallen in love, when you're on a deadline, when you just absolutely have to finish so you can move onto the next thing.

But most jobs give you a vacation. And many jobs stay at the work place, they don't come home with you, and seep into your dreams and guide all of your decisions, down to maybe I'll wait to get a latte so I can get one when I settle into writing at the cafe later--lately I consider my lattes rent for office space at these cafes.

So basically, I've realized that I kind of need to step back for my own sanity. Especially when you're on the brink, it becomes so easy to lose sight of the real reason you're here and you started this journey in the first place--Because you love to write. I don't even know how published writers deal with all these different pressures, because I know they only intensify as time goes on and you achieve more. I'm already starting to feel it and believe me I have a loooooooooooong way to go.

I don't really have a purpose to this post, other than to hopefully get some of this weight off my chest. But I've been pondering this issue for awhile and finally had the help of another writer's words to kind of get me to see what it is that's been bothering me. Gayle, you rock in all ways--I hope you know that by now!

Do I still love writing? YES, like oxygen. But that's the thing, I've gotten so far away from it with everything else that my love for the craft has become second to my focus on everything else I have to do and want to do.

I'm trying to be less of a workaholic and be more zen about everything that happens, because if I stay too focused and involved in this world of writing, I think it really could drive my love of the craft into something I don't want. And writing is one thing I'd never want to fall out of love with.

So if I've been a little quiet lately in the blogosphere or super slow responding to an email, know that its because I'm trying to finish 1,001 things and find a little perspective and some fresh air to breathe again.