New Moon Review: Frankie Style

So I saw New Moon last night with the FNC Chicas and I'd been planning to share my thoughts on the experience along with an epic post on epic tragic couples to coincide with the announcement of my epic winner for my epic contest...but...whew, I'm not all there yet and Shannon really wants my New Moon thoughts NOW along with some others on twitter, so here, you go, your wish is my command! Contest results will follow later this weekend. By the way, how many times did I just say epic?

Onto New Moon!

So New Moon opens with Bella quoting the Friar in Romeo and Juliet at the wedding...these violent delights and all that and I don't know why, but it made me burst out laughing. I'm sorry, I'm horrible. Someone tell me, was this the quote in the begining of New Moon? And why are we suddenly opening the movies so quote happy? There was no Bible in the begining of Twilight. We had prologue...no prologue this time. But moving on...

Bella is having her creepy dream about seeing her grandmother and then realizing it's her and seeing her old hag self in the mirror while Edward looks on still totally hot sparkly. Then she wakes up and it's her birthday and Charlie --who I don't care about at all in the books but love in the movies because his line delivery is just hysterical--gives her some birthday presents and then she goes to school.

Now, as much flack as Stephenie Meyer gets about the whole "EW! I'm going to get old and wrinkly thing," I can subscribe to that because imagine if you were dating a vampire. Wouldn't these thoughts cross your mind? I bet they would. Though still...

Anyway Edward shows up at school, I'm surprised they didn't arrive together but I suspect Chris Weitz wanted to continue the whole Edward stalking across the scene (or as Cleolinda would say, James Deaning) in slow mo while he kind of smiles coyly like he knows he looks gorgeous and it's cracking him up inside.

Suddenly, Jacob arrives and he honestly has no bussiness being in this scene at all except that we needed to be reminded of who Jacob was BEFORE Bella went comatose, because we haven't seen the 500 meet Jacob Black trailers.

There were a few cute funny lines with Bella joking about how maybe she shouldn't be dating such an old man, to which I say, YES! But alright, is Edward 109 or is he 17 (mentally, developmentally?). Because he doesn't act like any 17 year old I know and Emmett does, so I'm pretty sure his maturity is stumped and frozen or whatever it is that happens to these vampires. So is Edward really 17 mentally and not 109? Well maybe 17 in the year of the Spanish Influenza was more mature than our 17, so let's say that makes Edward 23 (I calculated this very scientifically). And now that Bella is 18... there is not as much of a gap as before, so technically she's still younger and he's older mentally and physically...but...moving on.

All of the original peeps are here, Eric, Jessica, Angela, Mike and Alice leaps off of the school staircase and no one notices and Jasper's hair looks like he was electrocuted. Also the vampires look more vampiry this time around-they must have gotten stronger contacts, but seriously, Forks! How do you NOT KNOW!!!!

So then we go to English class where we are watching the oldest film version of Romeo and Juliet EVER instead of the super hot one from the 1960's which is mentioned in the books and now I'm guessing that the old old movie was cheaper to use in this movie, but whatever. So then Edward starts talking all about suicide which totally brightens Bella's birthday up and then the teacher is like "Mr. Cullen, why aren't you paying attention to the movie? Quote Romeo's death monologue" or something and then Edward does...he knows every line, except he delivers it like a dead person ---and ok yeah he's dead, but he's animated or reanimated or something, so he could have had a little more feeling behind it. Maybe they should have watched the Leo and Claire version instead.

Overall Bella and Edward have a few kisses that involved a lot of grunting...nothing as hot as the first kiss from the first movie or as sweet as the last kiss in the first movie. But ok...she has her birthday party--it's disastrous...BIGGEST BLOODIEST PAPER CUT EVER! Then Edward slams her back and she starts flying and smashing into tables and...honestly, how does Jasper function in society at all? I mean it was a papercut! And did Edward really have to throw Bella across the room? Couldn't he have just been like "Yo, Alice, get your man!" and then grabbed Bella and run into the woods?

So then Bella goes upstairs with Carlisle to get stitches and for a few minutes things looked really hot and heavy between them.

Anyway the next thing we know, Edward is dumping Bella and I'm sorry but I couldn't buy into any of it. It was so obvious (even back in the books) that he was faking it because he wanted to protect her and come on, Bella, really? You've read Wuthering Heights 500 times, you can identify things in petri dishes--you're smart. Then she curls up in a ball and Sam finds her and no one seems weirded out by the fact that this guy is walking around completely shirtless.


Then we get to the epic blank book pages of October................November..................December........January.......though the line about how time passes even when it feels impossible even for me wasn't there, unless it was and I was doing something that made me miss it. Because that's a good line! So Bella sits in a chair in the same outfit for 4 months as the seasons change and Charlie does yard work and then she has these wierd screaming nightmares which...um....I've had my heart broken before but I've never woken up screaming.

Finally Bella hangs out with Jessica again and I LOVE Jessica and her jacket! Bella realizes she can see Edward if she does the danger thing and gets on a guy's motorcycle. And it's just all...this movie made me a little uncomfortable. It was just too much.

Ok, Bella hangs out with Jacob...he takes off his shirt a lot until he just doesn't wear it anymore. I think he took his fashion advice from Matthew Mcconaughy. Then he stops talking to Bella and you know....I can't stand Jacob in the books. But I LOVE Jacob in the movie. I am Team Jacob all the way. I am so Team Jacob...I don't even think I can watch the 4th movie now if it gets made. I'm sorry, I just can't.

Anyway Quileutes are werewolves. Jacob RULES. And I was very bored because...well it was kind of boring and we all know how things end for Jacob so there's no suspense at all.

When the Volturi showed up, things got exciting again. Also Jacob gives great hugs. I want a Jacob Hug. He hugs better than Edward. Can't wait to see how he kisses. I bet he rocks.

Ummm so I totally didn't miss Edward, but was happy to see the sparkly return nonetheless. Bella races through Volterra and somehow manages not to trip while running fast and...why couldn't Alice have run to Edward too? I mean even if he'd read her mind and not believed her about Bella being alive, she could totally fight him and slam him back indoors and demand he put a shirt on, right?

Well Bella gets there in time but the Volturi are not happy. Bella starts acting again-you can tell because she blinks a lot. I don't think Edward should be allowed in scenes without his shirt. Sorry. But Jacob doesn't need to wear one ever. Just saying...

Ok, so Dakota Fanning is Awesome! This movie should have totally been all about Jane. She was a total little bad ass. The Life and Times of Jane Volteri--I would have rather seen that movie. Also, Bella Mike and Jacob go on their awkward triple person date to see a movie called Face Punch. I would have rather seen that movie too. Face Punch sounded awesome.

Anyway so the Volterri beat up Edward throwing him all over the room and then he is slammed into the floor and his face cracks! It actually cracks like he really was a marble statue. I ended up yelling "They broke the sparkle!" but then his super vampire healing powers I guess glued that crack back together.

So anyway Aro the main Volteri guy was awesome. It would have been cool if Damon from Vampire Diaries could have played that role too. I would have appreciated that.

So then they all get to leave and go home. And then Jacob shows up totally pissed off that Bella left and was selfish and is going to be a vampire and he reminds Edward of the treaty=no biting. Then Jacob (as Cleolinda would say Fursplodes) and Bella throws herself between them and then Edward proposes. FIN.

I think that these movies would benefit from a bit more adpatation instead of trying to make the pages of the book appear onscreen. I know we love it when a movie stays true to the book, but these books...they just don't translate well on film (at least for me). I think they could, but so far nothing has amused me.

Ok so, New Moon in three sentences. Edward sparkles. Bella cries. And Jacob takes his shirt off. The end.